Lessons

English textbooks have the paradoxical quality of blending the silliest information with the deepest philosophical ponderings. A few days ago, I came across the following question: What are the biggest lessons you’ve learned? As someone who’s always inclined to introspection—dare I say, overthinking—the question instantly pulled me in. I was surprised to find that I could come up with an answer in under 30 seconds. It dawned on me then that I'd been subconsciously ruminating about these thoughts throughout this entire year, especially now that I'm approaching massive changes in my life. I haven’t mastered half of the ideas I came up with, and they are far from original, but I feel each of them in my bones. 

 1. Stop avoiding challenging situations under the guise of self-care. I've become used to running away from everything and everyone who truly challenges me and calling it self-care. The reasoning went: "I'm not going to stay anywhere or entertain anyone who brings up negative feelings". Only now do I realize this behavior was quietly leading me down a path of stagnation. I've recently started to feel a strong urge to stop engaging in fake psychobabble and put myself in situations where I have to endure distress for personal gain. Since I already have a tendency to escape hardship, I know I don't run the risk of falling into the toxic no-pain-no-gain mentality that is so normalized in our culture. 

 2. Get in contact with the thrill of fear: Life has shown me time and time again that the best things in life lie on the other side of fear. As a glass-half-empty kind of person, I’ve often found myself paralyzed by doubt and hesitation, convinced that stepping into uncharted territory would only lead to an untimely death. I vividly remember being on the verge of agoraphobia after the pandemic, having anxiety attacks in taxi cabs as soon as restrictions loosened. I know I've been brave in many instances, but nothing has come close to what I'm about to do. However, the bravest people in my life have taught me fear isn’t something to avoid; it is something to engage with, and in doing so, it becomes less of a barrier and more of a signal that one is pushing themself towards growth. I've also heard it has the potential to become a sort of addiction: the thrill of the unknown. I want to learn to engage with a healthy version of that. 

 3. Although success requires consistency, allow your definition of it to change. While the first two points are the things I struggle with the most, this has been the one I’ve lately found easiest to embrace. Sometimes we pursue a certain goal only to realize it was not what we truly wanted. Or perhaps we desire it for a time, only to outgrow it later. As I embark on a new journey —both literally and metaphorically— I want to remain open to whatever may come my way, whether that means coming back home after three months or staying where I am for a long time. I have already made peace with the fact that things may never be the same, and I’m perfectly okay with that. 

 These maxims perfectly capture the cocktail of feelings I’ve been experiencing over the past few months: fear, yearning, surrender. Yet in embracing all of this complexity, much like an English textbook, I have found my own sense of paradox. Amidst the turmoil, I have never felt more alive.